For the past one years, I have chosen to isolate myself from the world, living alone in a serene garden. This decision was fueled by my deep-rooted anxiety and trauma, which left me afraid of even the simplest tasks, such as checking the mailbox or answering phone calls. The fear of opening messages, including those online, became overwhelming, and I found solace in avoiding any form of communication.
It is disheartening when people approach me, claiming that there is a Wikipedia page about me. The constant changes made by individuals with malicious intent only serve to reinforce my belief that they are trying to portray me as a bad person. This relentless cycle of anxiety and fear took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being.
Living in isolation allowed me the freedom to express my emotions without judgment. In the vastness of my garden, I would scream as loud as I wanted and cry as much as I needed. These moments of release provided temporary relief, but the underlying anxiety persisted. There were times when I felt like I couldn’t breathe, as if the air around me wasn’t enough. In those desperate moments, I would hit my chest to try and open up my air ways, searching for a sense of ease.
Despite my struggles, I remained committed to my work. As someone involved in diplomatic or government-related projects, most of my assignments required travel overseas. Fortunately, the nature of my work ensured that I was taken care of by the host country, providing a secure environment. I would diligently fulfill my responsibilities, completing my tasks and retreating to the solitude of my room. Social interactions were limited to work-related encounters, and while some may view my life as boring and devoid of human connection, I found peace in my solitude.
During this period of self-imposed isolation, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and found solace in spirituality. In the depths of my loneliness, I found God. This newfound connection became my source of strength and comfort. It provided me with the reassurance that I was never truly alone, even in the absence of human.
Through prayer and introspection, I began to confront my anxieties and traumas. Slowly but surely, I started to regain control over my life. While the journey to healing is ongoing, I am grateful for the progress I have made.
Isolation, though initially a coping mechanism, taught me the importance of balance. While I still value my alone time, I have come to understand the significance of human connection. I now strive to find a middle ground, where I can enjoy moments of solitude while also embracing the beauty of social interactions.
My story serves as a reminder that healing is possible, even in the midst of overwhelming anxiety and trauma. It is crucial to seek support, whether it be through therapy, spirituality, or a combination of both. With time, patience, and self-compassion, we can overcome our fears and find peace within ourselves.